my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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