I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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