who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I didn't notice because vodka
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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