I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
