Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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