Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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