If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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