Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
