i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
