I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
