I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
id be glad to
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
