Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
