I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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