There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
