Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
