Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
