Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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