party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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