He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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