We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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