when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Drake has all the answers
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
