You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
