help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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