I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
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