nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
