i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
