all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
