Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You ruined the universe
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
