just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Randomize
