How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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