I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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