I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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