i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
