I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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