Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
