When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize