I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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