It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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