i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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