so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
There r osticjed everywhere
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
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