Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
