You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
