What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I looked at my own cervix.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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