Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
no, he came in my armpit
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
