Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
