i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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