Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
