we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
