dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
