God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
