Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize