you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
