My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I believe in your delicious
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
