I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
