I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
