woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
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