Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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