party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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