"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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