I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
