can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
