i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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