u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
