Apparently you make a good broom.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
