I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Randomize
