I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
