He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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