upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
