someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
